Down in the Valley

Sometimes life is too hard. I don't usually post anything like this, but I'm going to do it today. I know that God's grace is sufficient and I rely on Him with all my life. My goal is to live a life that brings glory and honor to Jesus Christ. But sometimes I just have a hard time. Here is a piece I wrote when I got home from visiting Dr Jensen (who monitors my internal injuries from the 2010 car accident.) 

Me in Julie's hospital bed

I don’t want to be hurt. I’m going through another one of those “Why me, God?” times. I don’t know why, I might not ever know why. It has been three and a half years and still I hurt every single day. I just got home from the Urologist. He is a doctor for people who are old, sick, diabetics and really look awful. I don’t like going to his office. I want to think of myself as a healthy 24 year old. Despite the fact that he always tries to be charming, and compliments me on how beautiful I am, I just don’t like going there.

Today was no exception. He looked at my chart and then said, “Your kidney has shrunk a lot.” Last year the damage was 10 percent. This year it is 25 percent loss. My left kidney is 11cm and the right one is 7cm. The only good thing that came out of the visit was that he says I should not be satisfied with my energy level still being low. He suggested a multi-vitamin with iron and then ordered some more tests. Perhaps my right adrenal gland (which happens to be nestled directly atop the kidney) suffered from the infarction and is no longer functioning. Anyway, he is going to run some more tests and see if we can find a solution. He told me “Don’t let the issue go.”

Last weekend when my friend Lydia was here we had one of those good talks. It was one of those talks that encourage you that you don’t have to know why things happen. I know theoretically and spiritually that that is true but right now I don’t feel it. I don’t want to hurt everyday. I don’t want to have to remind myself to slow down. I’m embarrassed to have to go take a nap when my Mom works all day long. Why? Why? Why?

It’s not that I’m angry. I’m just frustrated and tired. And I don’t have hope. This pain has been so real every day for three and a half years. My shoulder doesn’t work smoothly; my ribs aren’t lined up nicely, I wake up with pain. Sure the exercises help, but they don’t fix it. I’m broken. And that’s what bothers me.

Recently I was flipping through my Bible and found a note Amy wrote to me after my seizure in 2005. Here is part of what it said, “Betsy, remember that whatever happens, you have worth. You are precious to your family and to God. You are needed whether you can drive a car or load a hay wagon or knit a pair of socks or not. Your worth is not dependent on your ability. It comes because God created you in His image. No matter what, you have value because God made you.”

With that said, I will dry my tears and go eat dinner. I might not feel like it, but I no better than to function on my feelings.